| Posted on 9/30/2008 11:11:00 AM | Posted in
January 12,2007... my father did not come home... we wondered..we waited...but he just didn't come home........
The Day I Grew Up :
January 13 morning was the day we found him... in a funeral parlor... stripped to nothing... just his body... lifeless..... seeing him made my insides turn.. it seemed so unreal... like i was watching a movie. I never dared to touch him because i wanted my memory of him to be that of a live human being, breathing and warm.
I went out and threw up... i wasn't able to cry.. i just threw up and i was hyper ventillating, i can't breathe and i felt like I'm gonna black out until i felt the hands of my aunt on my back. So many thoughts on my mind... how much money on my wallet to take my father out of that hell hole... how will i tell my family at home waiting for news from me... how will i tell my sister in Taiwan who's the only papa's girl among us.... HOW DO WE ALL GO ON AFTER THIS???? i bowed my head and prayed... i sought for guidance.
I stood up... no tears.. i asked my aunt if her memorial plan was updated.. i started calling people to arrange transportation because i realized we have to take my father's body to the province for the wake and burial... I called the office and notified them that i will not be able to work for a few days... I arranged money.. then i bought his burial clothes..... all the while i can hear people saying... my family was lucky they have me as eldest and that i was in control... but in reality... nobody really knew that i was so much hurting inside.. that i feel like a part of myself was trying to escape that reality but i know i have to face these things because no one else would. then i called my family and confirmed our worst fears.
That was the day I grew up.... i allowed everyone to grieve and i took care of all the things that needed to be done. From that day on until his burial, i was in charge while everyone had the time to cry in their own corner and mourn. From that day on until this very moment i am trying to hide that small child in me looking for his daddy.... that small child crying and trying to grasp and understand what happened ..... that small child hoping and believing that papa will come back and make things right again..... THAT SMALL CHILD has to be kept hidden.....i thought i succeeded.
Now.... going on 2 years since that tragic day... I still feel lost, it is only now that i am starting to feel the pain and the full impact of everything that has happened... I'm simply...LOST....more confused now than before.
I didn't know that growing up can be so painful.
The Day I Grew Up :
January 13 morning was the day we found him... in a funeral parlor... stripped to nothing... just his body... lifeless..... seeing him made my insides turn.. it seemed so unreal... like i was watching a movie. I never dared to touch him because i wanted my memory of him to be that of a live human being, breathing and warm.
I went out and threw up... i wasn't able to cry.. i just threw up and i was hyper ventillating, i can't breathe and i felt like I'm gonna black out until i felt the hands of my aunt on my back. So many thoughts on my mind... how much money on my wallet to take my father out of that hell hole... how will i tell my family at home waiting for news from me... how will i tell my sister in Taiwan who's the only papa's girl among us.... HOW DO WE ALL GO ON AFTER THIS???? i bowed my head and prayed... i sought for guidance.
I stood up... no tears.. i asked my aunt if her memorial plan was updated.. i started calling people to arrange transportation because i realized we have to take my father's body to the province for the wake and burial... I called the office and notified them that i will not be able to work for a few days... I arranged money.. then i bought his burial clothes..... all the while i can hear people saying... my family was lucky they have me as eldest and that i was in control... but in reality... nobody really knew that i was so much hurting inside.. that i feel like a part of myself was trying to escape that reality but i know i have to face these things because no one else would. then i called my family and confirmed our worst fears.
That was the day I grew up.... i allowed everyone to grieve and i took care of all the things that needed to be done. From that day on until his burial, i was in charge while everyone had the time to cry in their own corner and mourn. From that day on until this very moment i am trying to hide that small child in me looking for his daddy.... that small child crying and trying to grasp and understand what happened ..... that small child hoping and believing that papa will come back and make things right again..... THAT SMALL CHILD has to be kept hidden.....i thought i succeeded.
Now.... going on 2 years since that tragic day... I still feel lost, it is only now that i am starting to feel the pain and the full impact of everything that has happened... I'm simply...LOST....more confused now than before.
I didn't know that growing up can be so painful.
Sis, I can't help but to tear up while reading your post...I can feel your pain too. I lost a father when I was only 19, and it was really painful...
But you know what? Your dad is very proud and happy to where he is now because he has a great daughter....you!